The answer to our supplications

Sometimes our Duas are answered in different ways than we expect. I took Visionaire(a class about supplication and dream Duas) because I was 4 months pregnant with a baby girl who doctors had identified with several internal and external underdevelopments, and future disabilities. When I found out, I immediately questioned God "why me?" complaining I could not handle such a task. I took the class so I can come up with a Dua that Allah would answer before she was born. I tried following the steps the instructor gave us and asked: "Ya Allah, grant me a completely healthy baby girl and take away all the issues doctors are seeing, and let this girl be the reason I thank You every single day as she grows up". To me, thanking Allah daily meant that she would be perfect with no issues. As weeks passed and we did more ultrasounds, we found out more unexpected abnormalities in her. I realized pretty soon that Allah was not answering my Dua the way I wanted. Friends and family advised me to stay positive and remember that we don't always see things the way they are, as Prophet Musa didn't see the reasons behind Alkhidir doing what he did in Surah Alkahf. Thus, weeks before my due date, I stopped making the Dua I came up with. Instead, I made Dua that Allah make me content with whatever He gives me. That is all. 

Today, my daughter is 2 months old and has all the issues doctors said she would have. She has appointments at different specialists every week to follow up with her health. Despite that, I have realized that my Dua WAS answered. She has taught me countless lessons already, and confirmed to me that Allah never gives us more than we can handle. And believe it or not, she absolutely is the reason I thank Allah every day. She is nothing less than a blessing the way she is. She reminds me of the simplicity of life and forces me to remember why we were created. And today, rather than complaining "why me?", I ask Allah why did He choose me for such an honorable task of taking care of a special needs child? Subhanallah something I couldn't grasp months ago is now my actual healing. I tell you this because sometimes we don't realize right away why certain things come our way. But if we trust that Allah is the most wise, then rest assured there is a reason for everything. Sometimes our hardships can be the cure we have always needed. Alhamdulillah for everything. 

[written on December 4, 2015]

Why are you sorry?

Too often I have heard the phrase "I am so sorry" after people hear the rare syndrome my daughter was born with. CHILD syndrome is a very rare disease that only 60 people have been diagnosed with worldwide. My daughter would be number 61. The right side of her body is underdeveloped and she has several internal and external abnormalities. Yet to me, she is just my daughter. I see past what medicine says. I see a human, a human of mine. 

"Why are you sorry"? A phrase I've been wanting to respond with to those who apologize. Don't apologize. Her disabilities aren't something to be sorry about, be ashamed of or treated as difficulties. As a matter of fact, it's quite the opposite. I want you to be happy for me and treat her as what she has brought to me: honor and happiness. You see, we live in a selfish world where if things aren't "normal" then they are a form of sadness. But if you see what I see, you will know that no sadness accompanies any of her underdeveloped self. 

When I hear you say sorry, you're implying that I have a problem at hand. Only if you knew that unlike any problem, she is the solution to my problems and yours. She reminds us the simplicity of life, cures us of our many illnesses and forces us to be selfless. 

So the next time I meet a mother whose child is one of special needs, I won't be sorry for her. Instead, I will congratulate her and remind her of the blessing she has. What an honor to raise such a unique child. 

Don't be sorry for me. Be happy for me. 

[written on Novermber 4, 2015]

Contentment

For the last 4 months, I have been scared; scared of the unknown, afraid of not being able to handle what's to come. After accepting that God was testing me with a child of special needs, I began to pray. I prayed that God makes me content with what is to come. I prayed for peace and tranquility. And I prayed for a baby girl that would be the reason I thank God every day. After these prayers, I would still ask myself: "why me?". Why, out of so many people in this world, would God choose me to grant this child to. My question almost sounded like a complaint. I began reading and trying to mentally prepare myself for what was to come. A quote that struck me and one I shared with friends before she was born was a quote that read: "We ask God to cure our hardships without stopping to consider our hardships are curing us". To me, having a special needs child was a hardship. Yet today, 4 weeks into her birth and 4 weeks after God has shown me in many ways how she is truly curing me, I know why I was chosen. And instead of complaining, I thank God. Thank you God for choosing me to be her mother. The sense of peace and tranquility I get from simply being by her is unexplainable. Her presence in my life undoubtedly is a reason I will thank God every day for the rest of my life. She has built me in ways no one ever could. She has shown me the brave person I thought I never was. Each day, she makes me stronger, more patient, and teaches me lessons I could have never learned without her. And suddenly, each and every one of my prayers has been answered. Thank you God for choosing me and giving me the most precious gift: Maryam, the chosen one. 

[written on October 23, 2015]

Maryam/Mary

When I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter, I wanted to name her Maryam. The verses of Mary and her mother kept coming to my mind during my pregnancy, and I often found myself reciting them subconsciously. Maryam, the mother of Eesa, was a role model for all women and what an honor to have my daughter share her same name. As my pregnancy continued, we heard from doctors that she may have developmental issues. At first, it did not really hit me and I continued to believe she will be the perfect Maryam I've always wanted. Soon after, we had another ultrasound later in my pregnancy, and it was apparent that she had many underdeveloped organs. One arm was very tiny connected to a tiny fist and fingers. One thigh was also very small, connected to a small leg and tiny foot that didn't develop as well as the other. She had one kidney. Her spine was underdeveloped. And a part of the brain's cerebellum was also underdeveloped. All these facts that we saw right in front of our eyes tore me apart. And more than anything, I told myself Maryam was not the right name for her. Yet with thought and reflection, I realized how selfish I was being. Because of her imperfect body, I was stripping her of one of the most beautiful names, and a name meant for her. You see, Allah says in the Quran to Mary that "we have chosen you over all women of the world". She was special and unique. And like Maryam, my daughter was also special and unique. She was chosen by Allah Himself to have these disabilities. She was unique in a way that no other child I had ever heard of had these very same qualities. And therefore, Maryam was indeed the right name for her. Just as Allah chose Maryam to give birth to a child without the child having a father, Allah also chose my daughter Maryam to have challenges that many others will never have to endure. She is chosen for this task, and Allah knows she is up for it, as Maryam the mother of Eesa was ready for the task ahead of her. 

{written on July 30, 2015]

Allah tests those He loves

Allah tests those He loves; A statement I've heard many times growing up, yet for the first time, I feel it penetrating inside of me. Allah(swt) is testing my husband and I with a child who I am pregnant with, whom doctors have identified has several underdevelopments and disabilities. After discovering the news and seeing it first hand on the ultrasound, a lot of thoughts have been coming to my mind. Why does Allah test those He loves? Why does He test a slave that worships Him, memorizes Quran, prays, fasts, gives charity, and tries to do good in this world? After much pondering, I have been comforted with these answers:

1- To remind us that this life is temporary. The Aakhira is what we strive for. Allah is reminding His loved ones in a direct way that this life isn't the perfect life we want. The afterlife is what we need to strive for, constantly. If this life was perfect, it would make us forget that there is a hereafter. But with tests, Allah shakes us in a way to remind us why we were created to begin with. 

2- Life is not always how we perceive it. Sometimes, we see a calamity as a bad thing, when in fact it could be a good thing in the long run. Remember the story of Musa and the khidir. To Musa, taking a young boy's life was a bad thing, when he later realized his life being taken away actually saved a family from going astray. This tells me that having a child with disabilities may have advantages no one but Allah knows, and that's why we trust Him. He created us from the start without any say from ourselves, so how can we question his decree?

3- A hardship that brings you closer to God is better than a blessing that takes you further away from Him. When your life is going as planned and you're not being faced with hardships, in that moment many people begin to lose faith. Everything is going well, and they don't really "need" Him right then and there. But then when hardship strikes, they turn back to Allah and beg for his forgiveness, mercy and ease. Allah doesn't want those He loves to lose faith in Him ever. So with constant struggles here and there, they stay connected to Him, knowing that their patience will have its reward in the hereafter. 

4- To recognize your blessings. When you're faced with a struggle in one area, you instantly remember the other eases you have in life. It forces you to thank Allah for the blessings you already have. Alhamdulillah I have one healthy daughter already. Never did I fully realize the extent of how blessed we were to have this healthy child until Allah tested me with this second pregnancy. Humans often overlook the many blessings they have and fail to thank Allah for them. But when one part of a blessing is stripped away, you thank Him for what you do have at hand already, learning to be thankful and being content with little. 

5- To remind us of the hardships  Prophets went through and learn through their stories. Every prophet was afflicted with a calamity, and many faced more than one. We hear their stories in the Quran, yet we cannot truly appreciate these stories until we ourselves are in hardship. Because at that point, they recognize the strength of faith these prophets must have had to respond the way they did. They had beautiful patience and served as role models for every other human who faces affliction. 

 

6- A test or calamity may be the the reason you enter Jannah. No matter how hard we try, we will still make mistakes in life. No one can enter Jannah without Allah's mercy. I myself have many mistakes, and perhaps the only way I can get to Jannah is through accepting this difficulty and through  my patience of caring for a disabled child. If that's the way to Jannah and eternal bliss, then I'm all for it. A temporary hardship can yield to eternal blessing. 

 

7- To help us learn and grow. How will you ever truly trust the last verse in surah albaqara without going through a trial you or others thought you couldn't handle. Allah says that He will never give a human a hardship greater than he can handle. If Allah afflicted you with something, you have to believe that you can handle it, because He said you can. You may grow in life through this test and realize things you would have never imagined without it. It may be a lifelong learning experience that gives you wisdom unlike anything else. 

8- To strengthen your faith. When in hardship, you realize that NO ONE can help you out of your misery other than Allah. As He states in the Quran more than once, Allah is the One who answers the supplication of the weak and desperate. Who else can you rely on to remove your hardship? No one but Allah, and that forces you to beg him, supplicate, cry and pray. With every breath in this situation, you are strengthening your faith and getting closer to your Lord. 

May Allah give us the beautiful patience of prophets to get through our trials and tribulations, and may He never test us in our faith and deen, for as long as we have Iman, then we will be ok. 

[written on July 30, 2015]